


Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!

by QueenOfPlotTwists



Series: Intertwined: Two Hearts, One Legacy [2]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: All Humor, Atem is scared of doctors, Bakura hates doctors, Crackfic inspired by South Park, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Ryou is short tempered and needs a coffee, Somehwat post cannon, This idea would not leave me alone, Yugi is flustered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 14:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21076070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfPlotTwists/pseuds/QueenOfPlotTwists
Summary: Neither Ryou nor Yugi remembered whose idea this was. Or why this had been a good idea in the first place.All they did know was that mixing their darks and shots was a horrible idea.Exhibit A was currently sprawled across the floor in a dead faint and Exhibit B was currently holding a male nurse hostage in a choke-hold and threatening him with a popsicle stick.





	Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently I can't write anything unless I write darkshipping in between, 'cause this idea has been on my mind since I saw the south park episode SHOTS! and have been unable to focus on anything else but a headcannon where--now that Atem and Bakura have their own bodies they gotta deal with all the requirements a new body needs aka immunizations and how they would react to them-this is the result. Feel free to feel bad for Ryou and Yugi.

Neither Ryou nor Yugi remembered whose idea this was. Or _why_ this had been a good idea in the first place.

In retrospect it might have been Grandpa’s fault. Or Kaiba’s. Or even Malik’s

All they did know was that mixing their darks and shots was a horrible idea.

Exhibit A was currently sprawled across the floor in a dead faint and Exhibit B was currently holding a male nurse hostage in a choke-hold and threatening him with a Popsicle stick.

The Doctor, to his credit, stood there with a patient expression, immunization needle in hand making it perfectly clear this was definitely not the weirdest reaction he’d ever seen.

Yugi had the grace to look embarrassed—meaning he was currently hiding his impossibly right red face in his coat sleeves and trying very hard to do an impression of a turtle, almost hoping the ground would swallow him up. Next to him, Ryou braced himself against the wall, smacked his forehead with the open side of his palm and dragged it down his face, groaning to every god who was listening and begging to know what he did in a past life that was so awful as to be cursed with this headache from hell in the form of his dark half with his own body. “Ugh! This is the _last_ hospital that would take them.”

X

It was Kaiba who demanded this insanity transpire. Kaiba Corp, it seemed, could manufacture a lot of documentation necessary to giving two former Egyptian spirits-turned-normal-teenagers a normal life—birth certificates, passports, diplomas, back stories, drivers licenses—which all but the two spirits in question agreed we’re _not_ to be given until they actually _passed_ the drivers exam for the sake of all (Kaiba made it perfectly clear he would _not_ be dealing with vehicular lawsuits) but unfortunately medical records could not be forged.

Lots had changed since the bird flu.

And it made sense that the two darks, as immunizations did not exist in Kemet be vaccinated for their own sake.

Not that either one cared...and then came that first doctor’s appointment.

X

After an hour in the waiting room, Atem—to Yugi’s grand annoyance—swaggered through his physical with a clean bill of health, which made no sense given all the junk food (and junk in general) he’d stuffed himself with since he was no longer restricted to Yugi’s borrowed flesh and blood. Yet apparently, Kemet’s Guardian God of the desert and storms had ensured Atem ended up with a perfect replica of the body he had when he’d died: perfect health, golden skin, rippling muscles, sweet tooth and all.

It really was unfair.

It stunned the medical staff he’s never had an immunization but to their credit they didn’t ask.

“It was common practice, aibou” Atem has told him when he caught Yugi pouting in his own festering black flame cloud of annoyance, his eyes slanted in a way that somehow made him look cute in his intimidation like a poodle pretending it was a pit bull.

Atem has merely smirked. “We didn’t have all these nonsensical modern things to make us lazy we actually had to get up and use our bodies.”

“You’re only saying that because you thought my alarm clock was possessed.” Yugi had smirked in response. “And ‘cause you’re afraid of cars.”

It was one of the many things Atem had grown incredibly nervous of, if not hypersensitive to as of late.

Atem chose to ignore him. “And of course as King it was only natural I be superior in everything: horse riding, archery, dueling, wrestling...”

“_Atem_,” Yugi dragged out the name emphasizing his annoyance.

“I _was_ a living God. Part of the job was making sure I_ looked_ like one.”

“You won’t for long if you keep eating junk food.”

Atem glared at him. “You are one to talk, wolfing down those beef monstrosities as you do.”

“You mean burgers.” Yugi demanded with an undertone so low it actuality succeeded in sounding threatening.

Atem’s smirk widened. “Yes, if you really want to try something good you should eat Ta'amiya—“

“Ewe!! Those chickpea things you always rave about!? Hell no! I’ll eat my burgers with meat like a regular person.”

Atem’s eyebrow visibly twitched. “They are delicious.”

“They’re glorified veggie burger!”

That led to the second worst fight Atem and Yugi had ever had. Solomon had to come and scold them because the nurse was too scared to get involved. The fighting stopped but the debate had not ended if the literal sparks flickering between the two boys was any indication.

Finally the doctor came in, had Atem sign his waiver forms, cleaned his upper arm with an alcohol swab and opened his shirt.

Unfortunately no one had actually _told _Atem what an immunization was, so when the naive doctor had turned around that was it...

Atem, the former _Per’a’ah_ of Kemet who fought three thousand years of shadow wars and saved the world at least six and a half times in his adolescence, took one look at the needle—and fainted.

X

He awoke in the floor about ten minutes later more mortified than hurt. Determined to triumph, he picked himself up with far more dignity than was necessary, brushed himself off and demanded the shot, holding out his arm as a testament of his valor. He lasted about three seconds, the needle a whisper away from piercing his skin before he fainted again.

After the third time Solomon gave up and signed whatever paperwork was needed to immunize the unconscious boy and that was that. Atem, with whatever regal power and dignity he still had, promptly swore Yugi to secrecy, which he of course agreed to, but it did nothing to soften the wide, shit-eating smirk that curled across his face whenever he caught Atem glaring.

X

Bakura’s visit had been half as long and twice as violent.

Though Ryou had to literally drag him, kicking and screaming, to the doctor’s office, the shameless thief sailed through the whole thing with an arrogance that Ryou was sure had left a permanent twitch over his own left eye. He’d almost made it back to the waiting room when a loud crash, a very high-pitched scream, another crash, another scream, and a sting of very colorful language that would make a sailor’s mouth hang open in horror at the vulgarity resounded in a span of no less than three halves of a second and sent him sprinting back towards the room—he already knew who the source was—and nearly slipped backwards in shock at the sight of his naked former dark holding one nurse pressed against a table with an arm pinned behind the poor soul’s back. His free hand, holding a very sharp looking popsicle stick, was currently holding said weapon to the throat of another nurse who was crying in the corner she was pinned against and the doctor just stood there looking perplexed, immunization needle jiggling in his shaking hand.

Ryou gaped at the scene, then at his dark, then at the needle then at Bakura again and slapped his hands to his forehead in a loud, drawn out groan. “Bloody Hell, Bakura what did you do?”

“You’re trying to kill me, landlord.” Bakura accused with a laugh that would not have sounded out of place coming from a psychotic killer. “I don’t know if I should be furious or impressed.”

Ryou blinked. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“That’s a weapon!?” he gestured to the needle.

“That’s a shot, you idiot!” Ryou screamed and all but pulled out his hair. “I explained this to you! How did you think the vaccines get into the bloodstream? Wait! Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. Just let the nurses go and get the damn shot like an adult so we can go home.”

“So you can get the jump on me!? Ha! I don’t think so!”

“Oh for God...” Ryou slumped.

Bakura laughed.

Ceasing the opportunity, Ryou grabbed the syringe, jabbed it into Bakura’s arm and pressed it down before the asshole had the time to register the needle prick in his arm.

“Here, now get dressed. I’m going to wait in the car.”

Bakura blinked incredulously. “Did you...just...sneak attack me?”

Ryou smirked. “Amazing isn’t it, how annoying one little prick can be?” With that he left leaving a hysterically laughing Bakura and three stunned medical staff behind.

X

Forty-two visits, thirty-two nurses who decided to change careers, twenty-seven medical institutions, fourteen doctors who opted for early retirement, and a dozen immunizations (of which Atem only ran out screaming once and Bakura was spared being sued because no one actually _saw_ him bend the doctor’s arm backward and it _was _just a bone bruise), and all five of them (Solomon included) signed in literal blood to _never_ bring the duo back, Atem and Bakura had gotten all but one of their immunization shots.

It all could’ve gone quickly chaotic and painless save for one massive headache had they not made the stupid decision to have them get the last shot together, but no one could really _blame_ Ryou or Yugi for wanting to spend that miserable experience with the only other person on the planet who could possibly understand the ulcer causing frustration that was Yugi’s hyper-sensitive dark and the psychopathic lunatic Ryou had grown accustomed to—not even Solomon, who found himself on the verge of a coma himself once he saw the medical bills.

Who knows, maybe this time having the two nutcases together might actually be a good thing since their mutual habits for mischief, chaos and all things bad for their new bodies seemed to have somehow made them closer (neither Yugi nor Ryou had told them the _real_ reason and Malik had agreed to keep silent only because Yugi asked him too.) Maybe it would all go smoothly for a change?

And shame on them both for ever thinking the Gods of Fate who love to play dice with people’s lives and circumstances would ever be anything akin to kind enough to toss these two poor boys a bone.

“Bakura, _what _are you doing?” Ryou wined, all but ready to lie down and let hell swallow him up. Surely, no eternal damnation could possibly be worse than this—unless of course, this _was_ his eternal damnation and the poor wisp of a boy had simply yet to realize he was already dead. Ryou honestly didn’t know which scenario was more preferable at the moment.

“Why is Atem on the floor?” Yugi asked, not even bothering to pull his hands away. Between the crevices of his fingers, he spied his passed out dark sprawled cartoonishly on the floor, Yugi could practically see the swirls in his eyes. Seriously, how could he jump out of planes, windows and fought a freaking _demon_ for Heaven sake, and yet he was _this_ terrified of needles?

A smile tugged at his lips and he finally relented and started to lift the listless body into a more comfortable passion. Guess even Atem had his weaknesses. “You might as well, give him the shot now,” he told the doctor. “Otherwise he’ll just faint again,”

The doctor smiled, nodded and was about to do just that when Bakura removed the tongue dispenser away from his hostage and pointed it towards the doctor. “Don’t move!”

His voice was low and raspy but the dangerous undertone was lost on the doctor.

“Bakura, shut up!” Ryou snapped. “Just get the damned shot and so help me if you say I’m trying to kill you again, I actually _will_ this time and after all you’ve put me through I will _not_ make as quick and painless as a hypodermic needle!”

“Ha! Like you could ever kill me, landlord!”

That banter went on for another few minutes, in that time the nurse Bakura had taken hostage managed to slip away, Yugi had managed to transport Atem onto the patient table and the doctor managed to give him his last few immunizations.

“Ugh, what happened?” Atem came too just long enough to see the rainbow of band-aids on his arm before he passed out again.

Bakura whirled around, ready to lunge. “What did you do!” he screeched.

“He’s fine,” Yugi groaned.

The distraction was all it took. The doctor gave Bakura his last shot.

He blinked, flashed the unphased doctor a murderous look.

“You’re all set. When that one wakes up, you can all go. I trust you won’t be back for your flu shots?”

“NO!” Yugi and Ryou screamed in unison.

“Fucking doctors!” Bakura growled stomping passed them all and lifting Atem up bridal style. “If my mother could see what healing and medicine has become she’d roll in her sarcophagus.”

Ryou rolled his eyes. “Well, given vaccinations are fighting the disease demons with weakened diseased demons before the diseased demons show up, I’m sure as a Priestess of Sekhmet she’d appreciate the use of preoperational warfare?”

Bakura honestly had to think about it, and pondered it the entire trek back to the car.

Only grandpa stayed behind to thank the doctor.

“Were they the strangest case you’ve ever seen?”

“Oh I’ve been working the night shift a while now. You see some pretty odd things.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sekhmet was the ancient Egyptian lion goddess of war, blood, liquid life, disease and healing (and is a favorite) Doctors and healers in ancient egypt were the Priestesses of Sekhmet cult and were pretty advanced healers for the time period. As Sekhmet was a war goddess, she also controlled 27 demons of diseases which she sicked upon her enemies to infect their blood during battle (a pretty accurate account of infection) however as Sekhmet could not always control them, sometimes they would escape and infect her people, as a result the Cult of Sekhmet into order to heal would not only use medical practices including medicine, surgery etc, but also invoke Sekhmet herself in order to exorcise them. I always had a personal head cannon that Bakura's mother was a Priestess of Sekhmet, which is where his and Ryou's debate game from.
> 
> And Atem is so cute when he's sleeping ;)
> 
> Hope you got a few laughs out of this. it was pretty fun to write.


End file.
